Motherhood

There was a time when people thought I was pretty negative or that I didn't enjoy motherhood. It wasn't that I wasn't enjoying Motherhood, in fact I was LOVING it most of the time. What I wasn't enjoying was what I perceived to be a constant state of failure that I was putting myself in. I was always looking around at grout seams that I know you should be beige but are brown instead. Dust balls of doggie hair that would whisp past me in the hallway as my slippers gently shuffled the air around them. The kitchen floor that I swore I was going to start mopping every other day and yet for some reason I think it has been over a week. The arts and crafts in the corner that I swore I would sit down and do with Ella, but kept putting it off for one reason or another. The alphabet sheets and workbooks and color wheel I needed to teach her. The breastfeeding I tried SO HARD to Master for both my littles, and ultimately ended up doing the best I could. My priorities were out of whack. I never slept. Never. Not one nap through both pregnancies. Through all of Ella being an infant. Always felt guilty about it. There was some bill that needed to be paid, an email that needed returning, a grocery list that needed tending, a trip to the store for paper towels, a rug that needed vacuuming or my personal favorite... me with my ONLY chance to take a shower that day. Motherhood is HARD. Especially when you stay home with your kids all day, everyday. Let no one tell you it isn't. But we are paid in something better than money... we are paid in love... and sometimes hugs and kisses if we are lucky. ;)

And then those twos. Those make you or break you as a parent twos came along. And us being first time parents just happened to have one of the kids that is OFF the charts STRONG WILLED. Stubborn, Independent, and a FIGHTER. Great! lol. But we survived it, (barely). And the way I survived it wasn't by being negative, it was by being brutally honest about it. There were days I yelled more than I wanted to. There were days I called them names I wish I could take back. There were days I couldn't stand to be in the same room as them... but there were days we laughed so hard I thought I would never stop. There were days when they ran up to me and threw their arms around me and said I love you without being prompted or asked. Days they picked me flowers cause they wanted to on their own. Days when they showed me that they accept me as imperfect as I am, and I can and should do the same for them. They love me in spite of the times I act in ways that I am not proud of, just as I still love them in spite of the times when they act the same. Talking about these hard times was to let it out into the Universe and expunge it from my mind, so I could start fresh with a new day. And I have been told over and over that so many of my friends appreciated the honesty. They could lighten up on themselves a little bit more. They weren't the only ones who had done things, said things and had days they wished they could take back. They were... imperfect... and that was OKAY!

But my kids lately have their own unique ways of showing me how much they love me. Ella's favorite thing to do now is just to come up to me and make up some ridiculously cute way to describe how much she loves me. Tonight it was this "I love you to the stars and back and to the rainbow, with all the glitter and sparkles and stickers in the whole world... and back... and then back again." Doesn't that just make it all worth it. I swear it makes my eyes fill up because to a 3 yr old that really is just about the biggest thing ever that her little heart could think to describe her love for me. Rainbows, glitter, sparkles and stickers. She loves me more than those things. ((sigh)) and my Bunny... oh Gosh my Bunny. I could never imagine our house or life or my heart without her. Her way to show me is when I put her to bed at night and we are all done singing our songs along with her light up glo-worm she simply says Mommy hug. And reaches her arms up to me. But this is no simple hug, I tell ya. We have a sleigh crib that is so tall that when I was pregnant with Ryen I used to have to use a stool to put Ella in and out of it or to lean over and tuck her in. So when Ryen asks me for one of these hugs it is no small feat. I try to lean over as best as I can but that is not good enough for Ry. She wraps her little hands around my neck and pulls me close to her. She pulls me so hard I almost fell in on top of her once. It is a balancing act and one that I have come to love. For while she is squeezing me tight not wanting to let me go I whisper in her tiny ears how much I love her and I kiss the little skin right by her ear lobes. And she sighs in response. A perfectly contented little "My hear is happy, I got my Mommy fix and can go to sleep now" sigh... And I sigh too. Especially since balancing on this crib to do this always leaves me hurting where I had my C-Section. But that just reminds me of the beautiful day this girl came into our lives and even that is worth every second of it.

Waking up AZ style...

Lying in bed this morning listening to the birds chirp outside my window and I hear a strange sound. WOOSHHHH! hmmm? Did I just hear something...? Close my eyes attempt to drift off to sleep again and less than a minute later there is again WOOSHHHH! It was so loud this time like someone was standing right outside my bedroom window. I jumped up out of bed and said "I know that sound!!" It is a sound you wouldn't really recognize unless you had been as close to one as we have been time and time again since moving here... I ran and grabbed Ella who was watching cartoons (and my camera) and said follow me outside quick!!

It seriously was hard for us to find what we were looking for at first cause we were looking in the sky for it. Then I looked at eye level and saw it just coming up over my fence. A GIGANTIC Hot Air Balloon! I wasn't expecting it to be that low and I fumbled to get my lens cap off. This video doesn't really do it justice as it was so much larger, so looming, and so much closer to us than the video might make it seem. But the two story home in this video is my next door neighbors house. You can see see how it looks like it will it barely clear her roof without hitting it. (of course it wouldn't hit the house, but it looks like it is very close to it!)

Enjoy: (for those of that you get this blog emailed to you click here to see it)

So fun! How could I go back to sleep after that?? Good Morning everybody! :)

The Cord

We are connected,
My children and I, by
An invisible cord
Not seen by the eye.

It's not like the cord
That connects us 'til birth
This cord can't be seen
By any on Earth.

This cord does it's work
Right from the start.
It binds us together
Attached to my heart.

I know that it's there
Though no one can see
The invisible cord
From my children to me.

The strength of this cord
Is hard to describe.
It can't be destroyed
It can't be denied.

It's stronger than any cord
Man could create
It withstands the test
Can hold any weight.

It pulls at my heart
Sometimes leaves me
Bruised and sore, but
This cord is my lifeline
As never before.

I am thankful that we
Are connected this way
As Mother and child it
will never go away.

A BEANTOWN week in review...

The girls and I flew to Boston almost two weeks ago for play and fun with family and friends and the birth of my Niece Isabella! As you can imagine there are tons of photos, as we had so many events and things happen while there. I am trying to choose just a few from each day to put on the blog so I don't overwhelm everybody. Here we go!

TUESDAY:
obviously not much happened on Tuesday except us flying to Boston and snuggles with Nana and Grandpa before bed. The girls in spite of being SO tired were so excited to see Nana and Grandpa they did not want to go to bed and so we let them stay up super late!

Here we are in the airport ready to take off:

Playing and cuddling with Nana and Grandpa:

WEDNESDAY:
In the morning we stopped by Nana's work so her friends could see the girls. Then we met Auntie Lisa at her house and took her out for lunch and milkshakes at Friendly's, and then back to Auntie Lisa's for playtime.

Lunch with still prego Auntie Lisa:

Playing at Lisa's house:

No sooner did we get back to my parents house on Wednesday night to have dinner with my Papa Walter, then we were in the car again to head back to the South Shore because Isabella came a day earlier than we expected! She was 7lbs, 21" and born at 7:14pm on Wednesday April 28th! (she is already two weeks old already... I cant believe it!) Luckily we all (me, my parents, my kids, and Papa Walter) all trekked up to the hospital to meet Isabella.

Here she is~ Isabella Grace Beatrice:

THURSDAY:
We hung at Nana's on Thursday having a lazy morning so Ryen would take a nice long nap before heading to the Hospital to visit Baby Isabella and Lisa and Dave. This time the kids would get to see her instead of being stuck in the waiting room. The girls did great. They sat on the floor and colored while we briefly got to visit with Aunt Lisa and while I held Baby Isabella. Later that night Daddy came to town and we picked him up at the airport. My favorite quote was from Ella "Mommy I am just so excited that Daddy is here that I cant go to sleep!" How cute... (PS she used that excuse for the next 3 days!)

Us visiting the new parents and Isabella at the Hospital

PS: This is what you look like after you rock it out in Boston! LOL

FRIDAY:
On Friday it was WEDDING TIME!! My best friend since 7th grade and my adopted 2nd family, The Yerardi's, celebrated the marriage of their son Michael. It was so nice to see Rose and Russ Yerardi who call me Baby Bear (I call them Mama and Papa Bear). I was very excited to have an excuse to put on a cocktail dress (being a SAHM we dont get many of those) and have a date with my gorgeous husband. My parents watched the kids for us and we got a room for the night, so we got to sleep in till 8:30am! Funny how 8:30am is now sleeping in for us! Ha ha! I also got some quality time with my friend Christine.

Christine and I being goofballs with party glasses from the DJ! lol


Me and Jimmy and Me and Christine!

Here are some more photos of my living it up on my night out! ;)

My kids got to spend the night hanging out with
Uncle Joey, Aunt Samara and Cousin Justin :

SATURDAY:

Saturday we picked up the kids and my nephew Justin from my parents and headed to our friend Chuck's house for a BBQ with some of our friends and some of Jimmy's friends from high school and college who made the trip up to see him from RI and CT. It was so nice of Chuck to host us at his house and we were so glad with our friends coming out to see us. Thanks everybody. Looking forward to seeing you guys again soon.

My favorite: Gotta teach them young... j/k it was sealed:

To see the more photos of the BBQ Click here

SUNDAY:

Sunday morning I took the kids to my Mama Bear's house to visit with Grandma Rose (Yerardi). Rose made coffee for me (as usual) and even baked!! So cute! We didn't have long to spend but Auntie Christine stopped by too and we took some photos with the kids.

Afterwards the kids played at Nana and Grandpa's again with Uncle Joey and Cousin Justin while Jimmy and I went to Aunt Lisa and Uncle Dave's to say Goodbye to Baby Isabella. It was Jimmy's first time being able to see their house and the new renovations they did for the baby. And funny thing is they had just gotten home from the hospital and were so tired that they both fell asleep on the couch while talking to us. We knew it was time to leave. LOL!!! Isabella is adorable and a little peanut. Here are some photos of our time with her. I miss her already...

Auntie Jill getting her baby fix! :)

Just remember us as your super way cool Aunt and Uncle that live in Arizona where you are welcome to come visit any time you want, Isa.

But seriously, who doesn't love sleepy baby yawns?

Ahh... that's more like it, Mommy!

All in all it was a busy and exhausting and constantly on the go type of trip. The one where you get home and you feel like you need a vacation. But it was a great time. Ella is finally old enough to start understanding having to say goodbye to people and that she wont see them for a long time. She has told me a few times she misses her Nana since coming home. Here are some more of my favorite random shots of the kids enjoying their visit to Boston.

We are already planning an April 2011 trip home for Isabella's first birthday party. And then starting in 2012 I think I will be bringing the girls back to Boston from about June 10-July 10 ish every Summer to visit family, spend time in Cape Cod, site-see, hit the beaches and get the hell out of this heat and into some humidity instead... ha ha. Just Kidding!

I have a new mission...

Many of you know that I have faithfully raised money for Breast Cancer for over 5 years now. Not because I was affected by it personally, but simply because the statistics sucked. 1 in 8 women? Really? (now I think it is up to 1 in 7?) I knew that I had more than 7 or 8 women in my life that meant the World to me that I didn't want to see taken before their time due to this disease. So I have walked in two Breast Cancer 3-Days, 1 Avon Breast Cancer Walk (in San Francisco while 6 mos pregnant with Ella) and completed TWO consecutive Tri For The Cure(s)...

But another statistic I don't like was recently brought to my attention. Did you know that for every $3 raised for Breast Cancer research, awareness, treatment and programs only .30 CENTS gets raised for Childhood Cancers? There is 10x as much money going to Breast Cancer then helping Children diagnosed with Leukemia or Lymphomas. That number is staggering. So although Breast Cancer will continue to be an important cause for me. And I will still do the Tri For The Cure as often as I can, I am re-focusing my efforts on Childhood Cancers. These little angels need a voice too. And Breast Cancer is well covered in this area. We need to raise more awareness for the needs for funds, treatments, research and aid to families and children rocked by Cancer. And yes there are lots of causes that need more coverage, funds, awareness. But Cancer in babies and kids is just downright WRONG. So I feel the need to get involved.

So I am not seeing Pink anymore... I am seeing PURPLE! Which is my daughter Ella's favorite color anyway, so she will be thrilled. And now that Childhood Leukemia has touched me personally in more ways then one and had the NERVE to come after a family I LOVE, it has lit a fire under me like something fierce. In honor of Violette Dehoux, Brady Wein, and Nicholas Haseotes and all the other babies and families who I don't know that are bravely facing this monster I have a new mission.

Some of the ways I have/am going to get involved already:

Joined the BE THE MATCH bone marrow donor database.

Continue to Donate Blood/Platelets Every 3 mos.

May 29, 2010: "Fight For Life" Family Walk 1 Mile OR Run 5K at Freestone Park in Gilbert followed by Family Carnival (click here) Benefiting Steven L Pearson Leukemia Foundation

November 13, 2010: "Light The Night" Family Walk with illuminated balloons! (click here) I will be creating a team in honor of Violette Dehoux. Hope we can get a BUNCH of us to do this!!! Benefiting The Leukemia and Lymphoma society.

January 2011: "PF Changs Rock N Roll Half Marathon" since I was doing this anyway, I will now be trained utilizing Team In Training (click here) benefiting The Leukemia and Lymphoma society.

For anyone who wants to join me in any of these events, or to find events in your area check out the following:

http://www.leukemia-lymphoma.org
http://www.marrow.org
http://www.dana-farber.org/
http://www.jimmyfund.org/
http://www.one-mission.org/
http://www.ihatecancer.org/
http://www.unitedbloodservices.org/

Let's send a message that Cancer doesn't belong anywhere near kids.

We are seeing Pink again... and again.

A baby girl knows from the very beginning

How to play life’s game and come out winning.
Her pink-cheeked face, her adorable curls
Will reel you right in; that’s the way of girls.

She’ll flutter those lashes in a wide-eyed stare;
It’s all calculated to make you care.
And those baby girl noises, the sigh and the coo...
She’ll play baby poker, and the jackpot is you!

But whatever happens, she’s always a pleasure,
So spend lots of time with your little treasure.

There are so many girls being born this year. Two just made their debut one more is coming this week! I had a great opportunity yesterday to go visit Tanya and baby Violette (born April 20th) and Danielle and baby Katelyn (born April 7th). I definitely got my baby fix!! My girls loved seeing the babies too. Except by the time we got around to Katelyn, Ryen was getting a little jealous and showed no real interest in the baby other than to say bye baby and wave furiously when it was time for us to leave. Ha ha ha!! These two babies both stole my heart and are both so different! Check it out:

Violette is a tiny peanut only 5.5 pounds when I held her yesterday. She has the smallest head and the cutest little perfect nose just like her Mom Tanya and Sister Jacqueline. Look at her head in the nook of my arm to get an idea of how small she really is. Hilarious. She also has a full head of dark hair! She was quiet as a church mouse and never made a peep until the NP from Pediatrics came in and started bugging her. And even then, she didn't cried. Just grunted. She is a doll and I wanted to stick her in my diaper bag and take her home. ;)

Katelyn is actually a good sized baby! She is so fair and has hints of blonde eyebrows and blonde hair, just like her gorgeous Momma Danielle and big brother Daniel. She slept through my kids getting disciplined a lot and fighting with each other and only coo'ed and sighed in her sleep like a little angel. Oh she was so cute. As I am holding her in one hand while putting one kid in time out, and helping another kid fix a toy that was stuck, Danielle is all, do you need me to take Katelyn back? I'm all, "no- I got this! I am a professional- lol". She just laughed and said something along the lines of how she will learn how to do that too now that she has two kids. I took some great photos of me and these little babies. Danielle has one on her camera of me and Katelyn and Ryen on the floor, but I didn't have it in time for this post. :(

And now the BEST news of all. I leave for Boston next Tuesday April 27th to go meet my new Niece, Isabella. Her due date is tomorrow and I am hoping she comes any day. I wake up every morning and run to my cell phone to see if there is any updates, but I know this precious baby is coming ANY DAY now! I can not wait for my sister to become a Mom. She has waited a very long time for this, and is the last of my siblings to start this incredible journey of parenthood. I keep fast forwarding in my mind to her and Baby Isabella and trying to imagine them together. I try to envision her and Isabella getting on an airplane and coming out here to visit and splash in the pool with her cousins and Aunt and Uncle. I am already making plans to go home for Isabella's 1st Birthday Party next year and she isn't even here yet. To say I am excited is an understatement...

Just wait till my blog blows up with photos of my little Isa after my trip next week. In the meantime here are more photos of my visits with these besties of mine and their beautiful little Princesses.

~Violette~

~Katelyn~

The photo above is my favorite! She was sick of me taking her photo and gave me that pouty I am about to cry adorable face! Aww...

The Real Love Story...

This is great! I love it and I know my Mom and Dad friends can relate!

Researching the past...

Lately I have been obsessed with following my family routes and retracing my family tree. I have been compiling data and seeing how far back I could trace my relatives. It has actually been really fun and exciting. Every time I successfully locate a name, birthday, or missing person on my tree, I get giddy. Or when I find a draft registration card from my Grandfather, that I never even knew enlisted during World War II. Or when I discover my family can be traced back to Nova Scotia, etc. It is hard work, but so far has been very rewarding and interesting.

When I tell you it can get overwhelming depending on how far back you want to go. I mean each person has two sets of parents/bloodlines who also have two sets of parents/bloodlines and so on and so on. Now I can see how people trace their family routes for multiple decades! My Dad recently told me that he can give me one of my bloodlines dated all the way back to knighthood. During my trip home to Boston in a week he will let me take it back here with me to add to my research and my tree. On my Mom's side I recently struck paydirt too. My Great Grandfather was one of 21 children!!!! Can you imagine how many family members that spawned and how much history is there? So I started trying to locate their records and their names etc. My research has led me to other people (distant relatives) who have done a lot of the work for me, and lucky for me they are eager to share their hard work with me to save me lots of time.

And today, I got an email from one of my Great Grandfather's 20 siblings. (I believe she is the baby of the family). She should be starting her 70's this decade. My Aunt Louise was thrilled to hear I was tracking the family history and told me she has so much information to send me about the 21 siblings in her family. How amazing is that? She was on an email distribution list that I queried looking for information on my family name. What a cool email that was.

However, this family research comes with a price. And I am not talking about time and hours and MONEY cause it comes with all that too. There is an emotional price to be paid for this research. Because the more information I get, the more regret I have that I didn't have the kind of relationship with my Grandparents and Great Grandparents where we sat and talked about their history, their family, their lives. I wish I had family stories to pass on, or traditions, etc. Sometimes I feel envious of other cultures around the World that so fiercely hold on to their customs and traditions and pass them from generation to generation, and here I am at 32 years old trying to figure out where my blood lines can be traced to? French Canadian? English? Swedish, etc.

I wish I could go back in time while I had my Grandparents/Great Grandparents here and ask them about growing up in their era, the Great Depression, living through World Wars, and all the pain and suffering they caused, living through good times too. Experiencing civil rights, and Women's rights movements. I am suddenly filled with so much desire and longing to know who these people were in their youth (how far did they go in school, what did they do for work, what was it like having that many children in one house, what was it like growing up with so many siblings, etc) Instead of just as I knew them as my Nana who brought me and my siblings stickers and yummy treats every Saturday night and sat in my living room eagerly anticipating our dance performances. The Nana who taught me how to play Milbourne, and Skip-bo and other fun games (and yes would even cheat against her Grandkids if she could get away with it). I long to have more info about her parents, and her Grandparents and her great grandparents... And although I can collect names, I can never collect their stories as only they can tell them.

I want my children to know where they came from and am recording almost every part of their lives for them on my family blog so they can share it with their kids someday. The Internet will do amazing things for recording families and histories and preserving memories and photos.

Wish me luck and stay tuned for updates.

Exhausted

So today seems to be another one of those, I am going to be cranky and cry all day unless you keep us entertained days. You know your in trouble when your 8:27am Facebook status update reads that your children are already driving you to need a glass of wine. So what to do again today? Hmm...

First I called Aunt Lori and begged her to meet me at Dunkin Donuts this morning for some time with the kiddos. Especially since she is leaving to head back to MA in about 6 weeks. We had hot chocolate, sprinkled munchkins, and cuddles with Auntie! Yeah!



I also caught some cute photos of my kids horsing around in Dunks, and PS: they are never too young to start their addiction to dunks munchkins and coffee... (just kidding. Ella had a hot chocolate!)



While Ryen was napping Ella got to finger paint in the backyard. She loved it! She naturally puts her little hand on her hip and paints with the other hand. It is so cute. :)

We were joined by Mackenzie and Adrianna who were nice enough to drop off our pottery items from As You Wish, and ended up staying to paint with us. When Ryen woke up we found ourselves pulling out bubbles, slip n slides and then ended up in the hot tub! We were outside for like 3 hours. I got a good sunburn out of it, but that will turn into my Summertime tan!

This was Ella and Ryen's first time playing with the slip n slide and they LOVED it. Ella had been asking me every day for like weeks and I finally broke it out. I got some great shots of the kids playing with it!


Overall it was a great day. But I am exhausted! I mean really, if I am going to have to keep packing my days full of activities to keep these creative, fun, eager littles happy and in love with their Momma, I am going to be a very tired woman... with a GORGEOUS tan! Ha ha ha! After dinner my kiddos got a great deal of giggles in a bubble bath too. And even though it was my turn to put them to bed tonight, Jimmy saw that I needed some Mommy time. So he told me he would put them to bed so I could head to the gym. I ran 2.25 miles to the gym, worked out for an hour, and then ran 2.25 miles home. It felt great!! And while I was gone we had a PAPArazzi in the house. Check out the photos he snapped of Bunny brushing her teeth. I love him for this...

And although I should be sleeping, I am of course blogging for my babies. A mother's work is never done...

Goodnight friends and family... zzzzzzz