Monday, May 24, 2010
There was a time when people thought I was pretty negative or that I didn't enjoy motherhood. It wasn't that I wasn't enjoying Motherhood, in fact I was LOVING it most of the time. What I wasn't enjoying was what I perceived to be a constant state of failure that I was putting myself in. I was always looking around at grout seams that I know you should be beige but are brown instead. Dust balls of doggie hair that would whisp past me in the hallway as my slippers gently shuffled the air around them. The kitchen floor that I swore I was going to start mopping every other day and yet for some reason I think it has been over a week. The arts and crafts in the corner that I swore I would sit down and do with Ella, but kept putting it off for one reason or another. The alphabet sheets and workbooks and color wheel I needed to teach her. The breastfeeding I tried SO HARD to Master for both my littles, and ultimately ended up doing the best I could. My priorities were out of whack. I never slept. Never. Not one nap through both pregnancies. Through all of Ella being an infant. Always felt guilty about it. There was some bill that needed to be paid, an email that needed returning, a grocery list that needed tending, a trip to the store for paper towels, a rug that needed vacuuming or my personal favorite... me with my ONLY chance to take a shower that day. Motherhood is HARD. Especially when you stay home with your kids all day, everyday. Let no one tell you it isn't. But we are paid in something better than money... we are paid in love... and sometimes hugs and kisses if we are lucky. ;)
And then those twos. Those make you or break you as a parent twos came along. And us being first time parents just happened to have one of the kids that is OFF the charts STRONG WILLED. Stubborn, Independent, and a FIGHTER. Great! lol. But we survived it, (barely). And the way I survived it wasn't by being negative, it was by being brutally honest about it. There were days I yelled more than I wanted to. There were days I called them names I wish I could take back. There were days I couldn't stand to be in the same room as them... but there were days we laughed so hard I thought I would never stop. There were days when they ran up to me and threw their arms around me and said I love you without being prompted or asked. Days they picked me flowers cause they wanted to on their own. Days when they showed me that they accept me as imperfect as I am, and I can and should do the same for them. They love me in spite of the times I act in ways that I am not proud of, just as I still love them in spite of the times when they act the same. Talking about these hard times was to let it out into the Universe and expunge it from my mind, so I could start fresh with a new day. And I have been told over and over that so many of my friends appreciated the honesty. They could lighten up on themselves a little bit more. They weren't the only ones who had done things, said things and had days they wished they could take back. They were... imperfect... and that was OKAY!
But my kids lately have their own unique ways of showing me how much they love me. Ella's favorite thing to do now is just to come up to me and make up some ridiculously cute way to describe how much she loves me. Tonight it was this "I love you to the stars and back and to the rainbow, with all the glitter and sparkles and stickers in the whole world... and back... and then back again." Doesn't that just make it all worth it. I swear it makes my eyes fill up because to a 3 yr old that really is just about the biggest thing ever that her little heart could think to describe her love for me. Rainbows, glitter, sparkles and stickers. She loves me more than those things. ((sigh)) and my Bunny... oh Gosh my Bunny. I could never imagine our house or life or my heart without her. Her way to show me is when I put her to bed at night and we are all done singing our songs along with her light up glo-worm she simply says Mommy hug. And reaches her arms up to me. But this is no simple hug, I tell ya. We have a sleigh crib that is so tall that when I was pregnant with Ryen I used to have to use a stool to put Ella in and out of it or to lean over and tuck her in. So when Ryen asks me for one of these hugs it is no small feat. I try to lean over as best as I can but that is not good enough for Ry. She wraps her little hands around my neck and pulls me close to her. She pulls me so hard I almost fell in on top of her once. It is a balancing act and one that I have come to love. For while she is squeezing me tight not wanting to let me go I whisper in her tiny ears how much I love her and I kiss the little skin right by her ear lobes. And she sighs in response. A perfectly contented little "My hear is happy, I got my Mommy fix and can go to sleep now" sigh... And I sigh too. Especially since balancing on this crib to do this always leaves me hurting where I had my C-Section. But that just reminds me of the beautiful day this girl came into our lives and even that is worth every second of it.
at 6:35 PM