Can't describe it...

Ok, so this post is going to be extremely personal for me, but here goes. When I took my first steps into Walsh Middle school at the young age of 11 (7th grade) it didn't take me long to develop my first crush. There were these two identical twin boys named John and Matt, who were popular, cool, fun, and adorable. I honed in on John right away for some reason and was SMITTEN to say the least.... Let's just say he was not smitten back! It wasn't John's fault that he was so adorably handsome at 12, and had all the pretty girls pining after him too, while I was stuck in a hideous 7 year stretch of braces, bad haircuts, lack of cool clothes, no make up, and no boobs! Uck! Anyhow John could have been a complete jerk to me, could've made fun of me or been cruel. But he never was (at least not to my face- LOL). He was so nice to me and flattered by my interest and we developed a sort of friendship. When high school started it was a different story. John being gorgeous and athletic (and still popular and cool) immediately started dating a girl who was 2 years older (branding him a stud) and I was still 4 years into my 7 year rut! We didn't talk much the first two years of high school because of this. Summer before we were to start our junior year, I bumped into John at a party and we had a great conversation. His girlfriend had graduated and their relationship was pretty much over. We were both looking forward to a great Summer and Junior year. He was a great lacrosse player and athlete and we talked about colleges and scholarships etc. He knew I was STILL smitten and he teased me about it a bit. It was a great night.

One week later I got a call in the middle of the night that he was killed in a car accident. I was 15 when this happened, and needless to say, I was more than a little devastated. Being a twin myself, I just felt so much loss for his brother Matt, and I felt like I could relate to him on a level that others couldn't, having a twin of my own. Every time I thought about losing her, I thought it would be like losing a part of myself, and I wondered how Matt would go on and recover from it. I wrote an article and had it published in the newspaper right before school started, about how meaningless and tragic the accident was (another student was killed with him) and how it just seemed like such a waste. To this day I remain affected by it, and the only way to explain it is that not only did I lose a classmate and friend at 15, but I lost a dream in a sense. I had to let go of the fantasy, and never again had the butterflies in my stomach when he would be around, and had to let go of wondering what he would become and who he would marry, and what kind of man he would be, and would I see him at Reunions and would we share a laugh over the brace face who was so "in love" with the cute jock? All of that was taken from a 15 year old girl with one phone call. I also was reminded of John everytime I saw his "identical copy" Matt in the halls and everytime we talked at school and everytime since then. (which was actually comforting for me at the time, although you would think it would be upsetting- it never was...)

I still think about him from time to time, and laugh over my schoolgirl crush. Who ever forgets their first crush? I also still shake my head when I think about what happened, and still regret that his life was cut short. Every May when his birthday rolls around, I notice, and every August when the anniversary of his death rolls around, I notice it. I also always think about his twin Matt, and have sort of kept tabs on him over the years, from afar. The road was not easy for him, as you can imagine, and I think it took him a while to learn how to live in this world as one instead of as one half of "John and Matt", the twins. I was always hoping he would come out of this unscathed and find some happiness and meaning in his life. I recently reconnected with Matt on Facebook. Matt is now 32 and has lived 16 years without his twin (one year to match each one that he had with him). And TODAY Matt and his wife Susan found out that they are expecting their OWN set of IDENTICAL twin boys. I can't even describe the feelings I get from this. It almost seems like someone is trying to right a BIG wrong in the Universe in a sense. What a wonderfully cool thing that Matt can share with his boys what it was like growing up an identical twin too, and his boys will know and understand their Uncle John in a way that they probably never would have been able to. And what a great way for Matt to relish in his memories of his brother and their precious time together and maybe even relive some of them through his own boys.

Since I dont believe in Divine intervention I can't help but wonder if this was John's intervention... Whatever it was, I just know I am so happy for them and feel like John will always be watching over his twin nephews and probably smiling. And maybe even laughing at times at the way they will torture Matt and Susan in the same ways I am sure they tortured their own parents. The cycle of life goes on, and again I am reminded what a wonderful and amazing miracle life can be.

Good Luck and Much Love to Matt and Susan! I can't wait to see the photos on Facebook.