So yeah this blog is fun and most of the time I am bragging about my littles and documenting all the good times we have. But then there are times when I get brutally honest and vent about the not so good stuff. For me it is cathartic and helps me get it out, and get over it. And your comments let me know I am NOT alone and this TOO shall pass, etc. etc. So with that being said, I hate the pressure for perfect children, gifting, parenting and family time during major Holidays like this one. It makes me feel 10x more guilty and like a complete failure when things are not going smooth during a weekend like Mother's Day. The last few days have completely SUCKED for me. I am not perfect, and never pretend to be, therefore have no problem saying I have pretty much been yelling at my kids for two days straight now. Perhaps I am supposed to feel warm and fuzzy and so happy towards them. Which I am at times. But I am also so freaking annoyed I want to go drink myself into a margarita coma on a white beach with a waiter named Pedro just bringing me a fresh one every time I am empty.
For the last two nights Ryen has been waking me up crying every 60-90 minutes on average from about 11:30pm until 5:30am when she then wakes me up every 30 minutes until 7am. I probably am not getting a full REM sleep cycle anywhere in there and end up waking up so tired I can barely open my eyes and with a raging headache. Not sure what is going on with her, but being short on sleep and cranky and then dealing with my Children's issues these last few days has been an explosive mix.http://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gif See here's the thing. We have our moments. Like when I picked Ella up at school yesterday and she had all these adorable Mother's Day crafts her school helped her make. She was so excited to give them to me. And I loved getting them. Smiled from ear to ear. But 5 minutes after she got home her and Ryen we at each other's throats. this morning when me and my babies made pancakes from scratch with mini chocolate chips in them and then we each chose a different color food coloring (blog post here) and our breakfast table look like a rainbow. (only to result in them taking 4 bites and saying "I'm done" which led to my feeling frustrated that 35 calories worth of pancakes is NOT a big enough breakfast for them, not to mention aggravated that they didn't seem to appreciate my hard work and our rainbow pancake experience.) Sounds silly to even type it but to a Mom, it is not.
But the girls will not stop fighting... pretty much ALL day EVERY day. Even as I type this they are fighting over some toy. And it has been this way since before Christmas with only a small reprieve in January/February, but they are back in full force. Literally at a point where they have to be separated at all times or where we have to referee their interactions all day. I know this is normal, but man is it hard. Ryen is in the throws of her terrible twos and Ella already doesn't have patience for her as it is, never mind while she is going through this phase. And Ryen who is so passive is now starting to fight back with a vengeance which is hard for El, who was always used to getting her way. And so you have it... Add to this mix the fact that both are at an age (2 1/2 and 4 1/2) where they don't want to listen and you have to ask them 10 times to do something or tell them 10 times to NOT do something and they don't listen to either. Not until I start yelling and screaming do they take me seriously and listen. Which then makes them feel bad and guilty and then makes me feel bad and guilty. Maybe I am too soft on them and that is why they don't listen. I am not fast enough or consistent enough with consequences for not listening or bad behavior or even the fighting... and so here I go again being a typical Mom and blaming myself and calling myself a failure, again. We are so self deprecating aren't we?
Everyone else is entitled to bad days. We try to understand and forgive our kid's bad days away by saying they must be cranky, or overtired or sick. But we don't give ourselves the same. I know I gave out lots of hugs, high fives, kisses, tickles, ice cream and laughs to go along with the negative of the last few days. Tomorrow is always a new day and another chance to start off on the right foot...
And what better day to start over then Mother's Day!? Hoping all of you thriving and just barely surviving through Motherhood this week all have a WONDERFUL Mother's Day! You deserve it... we all do.