Careful- I might eat you!!

I have been grumpy for a few days now, which means I must be getting my period. I always enter a 4-5 day span of self-loathing before my period arrives. I can’t walk past a mirror without shaking my head in disgust. I try on every outfit in my closet and have such a bloated stomach during this Pre-period timeframe that every thing gives me muffin top and makes me even grumpier. I don’t want to get out of my yoga pants (God I love those and thankfully I bought 10 pairs!)I also can't stop craving sweets and wanting to eat everything in site. (Thank God for my new discovery of pop secret kettle corn which is low in fat and calories and satisfies my sweet tooth while filling me up!)

Then I start beating myself up that I am not doing enough. (Like seriously getting my ass kicked three days a week at bootcamp and spin classes 2 times a week is not enough??). I start saying how I should be eating better (I tend to eat pretty good overall) and that I should have better time management. But should it really be this hard to look good? (Or should I say to be happy with how I look as I know I have some friends that hate me right now and want to scream at the computer right now that I do look good already. Love you guys! XOXO) But I digress. Where was I? Oh… On top of finding time to get to the gym 5-6 days a week, I am trying to take care of two kids 2yrs and under, two dogs, a house, a marriage, friendships, family relationships, the cars, cleaning, grocery shopping, paying bills, financial planning, scheduling, cooking, socializing, reading, watching tv etc. (poor me- right, imagine if I had a full time job on top of all this like some people- much love to those ladies that have to do almost all of this and work full time.) And seriously the timing NEVER seems to work out for me. I want to take a 5am Spin Class? Can't anymore because my kids wake up at 5:30. Want to take an 8:30 bootcamp? Can't because Ryen needs to nap and will not nap in the daycare. Want to work out after Ryen's nap... cant! None of the classes or bootcamps I want are offered. WHY does this seem to always happen to me?

And now I am supposed to try to find time to squeeze in planning out a daily menu that is calculated so precisely to 1200-1400 calories and remembering to eat 6 times a day (small meals that it) and prepare my snack baggies of carrots or apples etc in advance (so I will always have something to eat to keep my metabolism going) all while trying to drink the 2-3 cups of coffee I need to function along with 8 bottles of water a day and a few protein shakes? SERIOUSLY????? It was one thing when I was kicking my ass to look good for my sister’s wedding but just for everyday life? No!

Did I mention I want to punch someone in the face repeatedly till they scream Uncle. (ok, maybe not)

Anyhoo, so when my period strikes, sane Jill will return and will say… 9 mos on 9 mos off. Sane Jill will take a look at this photo below:



and realize that I looked like that in October of 2008 and will look at this photo below:



and realize I look like this today (without sucking in) in June 2009. And that although my stomach is NO WHERE near where I want it to be and I wish it were more toned (and I am working on it) that it is pretty Flippin' AMAZING that my stomach is not permanently damaged goods after the way I carried my Ry Bunny. My stomach now, can always be hidden by strategic belts, waistlines and sucking in till I want to pass out and my abs hurt from basically an 8 hour long ab isometric. Sane Jill will look at me in a bikini and see my extra butt cheeks (which have gotten smaller lately), that my bootcamp instructor calls “BUTTHIGHS” and my cellulite and some of my not so flattering curves and will say does anyone really expect me to NOT have these 8 mos after having my second kid? Sane Jill will say, you are 31 years old not 16 so don’t expect to immediatelyhave that little tight ass all these teeny boppers are walking around with, unless I want to work out 4 hours a day like Gwen Paltrow or Kelly Ripa (no thank you!). I survived college, enough booze in my twenties to kill a horse, two pregnancies, one boyfriend and one husband who like to eat whatever they hell they want and took me along for the ride (one could not really get away with this- my ex) and one who clearly still can (my bean pole of a husband).

Not to mention I am signing myself up for so many flipping fitness things just so I stay motivated to make fitness an everyday part of my life. I have My second Triathlon on Oct 4th, The 60 mile Breast Cancer 3 Day Nov 13-15 (don’t even get me started on how HARD the fund-raising is this year) and a Half Marathon in January 2010. So knowing that I am committed to fitness and making it a part of my life permanently why can’t I just be patient? The results will come with time. I have already come leaps and bounds in such a short period of time. Maybe it is because Bathing Suit season is here again and I love the water, and so do my kids but I DESPISE bathing suits. Despise(verb): to look down on with contempt or aversion. Oh well. I wish I was Super-Woman who could just be Happy with herself all the time, because Super-Mom can not and will not allow my body issues to become my girl’s body issues. I KNOW I can break the chain and teach my girls to always love themselves even while I overcome my own struggle with it.

PS- to all my friends: I swear I am not writing this so you all will comment on how great I look and how inspiring I am to all of you, and how much you love me. You guys have told me that so many times on this blog already, and Sane Jill totally appreciates that and knows that you mean it. So you don’t have to comment to this thread, unless you just want to have a chuckle at how insane your friend is! LOL